.:|:. Dove Love’s .:. Points and Passions .:|:.

By Dove, www.TarotwithLove.com  That seems to be the theme of the day, Peace  :) 

Things are going well at work and, although there is a bit of a “Tower” thing in my personal life  (my computer recently died of old age, and this is at least part of what the vultures and 411 spoke of), things are still going pretty well otherwise.  This all reminds me of my “Peace Eagle” blog…so many messages all tying together.  The “Tower” energy destroys the old, and then the “the peace eagle” (vulture) represents clearing it all away for a fresh new beginning.

Relative to the peace theme, I recently wrote the following in a comment on my blog, “Talking Trees.” 

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Um, I’m still doing that unfortunately, but I’m not giving up on finding the “cure.”  :)   The thing is, I know the cure, the problem is breaking through the blocks, the subconscious fear, I have about that unfamiliar thing.

I caught myself, (er, actually the Tarot caught me, heh) this morning reaching back to those old patterns — a big bunch of negative thinking.  Letting it override my awareness of the perils in doing such a thing.  So I asked the Tarot about the issue my mind was trying to stir up.  Sometimes the Tarot will totally ignore the question and simply show us what’s really important.  The card I first drew was the 4 of Swords — my mind said, “Peace.”  It’s a card about resting, withdawing after troubles to find healing and peace.  I drew a “clarity” card, the Hermit card.  It’s about withdrawing, getting quiet…  I drew yet another card, Two of Swords.  With that one, very much a “peace” card — especially beside those others, it was apparent that the Universe was advising me to clear out all that negative thinking, and find peace.  So grateful for my Tarot…

If that wasn’t a strong enough message, while getting ready for work and putting my make-up on, a memory of an item I loved as a kid popped into my mind.  A choker that I wore in junior high (the 70’s).  It was a simple suede band, gorgeous deep burgundy color, a cool teardrop-shaped gold peace sign dangled from the center.  I loved it, and as I was wondering why the memory of it came to mind — something I hadn’t thought about in lotsa years, I realized it was yet another message of “Peace.” :)  The Universe really has a lovely way of driving a point home, lol ;)

Then I started thinking about how it was a “choker.”  Hmmm.  Seems kinda contradictory to peace.  Something that chokes — and it “chokes” my throat, 5th chakra — expression.  This seems to be an area in which I’ve long had a problem.  Holding back, choking it back, “swallowing” it all…  No outlet for so many years for a lot of creativity. Having done pretty much nothing in the area of creativity for most of my life, I now wanna do it all … writing, painting, sculpting, web design, photography, filmmaking … 

Years ago, the only time I’ve ever tried this thing called “scrying” — a type of divination — I saw some wild, but very interesting, visions.  Ya’ look into a mirror until ya’ “see” something.  Among the things I saw was an arm that reached out to choke me.  It brought tears when I realized it was my arm.  Oh shit, I’m here at work, in public, and the memory of that is bringing tears.  Okay-okay, doing the eye-fanning thing now, lol ;)

But I’ve made a lot of progress since then, lotsa learning, lotsa growing, and finally starting to express all that held-back stuff, and doing that all-important creating — in those fleeting moments when I can wrestle my resistance to the ground, heh  It’s really just beginning though — I still feel like there’s a volcano of creativity inside me, so much to express, release, create :)  I know that creating thing is so very important for our health and PEACE of mind.  We are meant to create — we are “creators.”  (Little “gods” if you will.)  It is essential for our healing, and consequently for the healing of the world, crucial so as to find true peace, “Heaven on Earth” :)

Peace,
Dove

By Dove, www.TarotwithLove.com  I know it’s not a particularly attractive bird, but the Vulture is, oddly enough, called “the peace eagle.”  I just learned that yesterday.  This totem came to me in a big way yesterday. 

We were having this event at work, a few hundred people were congregated outside.  I was sitting at my desk, but I’m right at the front and can see everything outside (glass walls).  The event was about to conclude, and all of a sudden this massive number of vultures appeared over the crowd.  I tried to count them, but they were swirling around and it was just too many to count.  I’d guess maybe 10 or 15 vultures. 

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Vulture Totem Interpretations…

Death and Rebirth
New Vision

The Vulture is the symbol of death and rebirth,
the mother symbol,
and represents purification.
For those with this totem,
you will be noticed more for what you do than
how you appear.

Vulture or Condor
teaches us how to soar above our limitations.
It is linked to the Griffin.
This Totem is a permanent totem; once it enters your life
it will be with you always, through your numerous lifetimes.

You may start to see auras and colors around people;
Vulture can help teach you how to accomplish this through patience and vision.

Vultures teach you how to soar without using much energy,
how to ride the thermal winds instead of flapping.
Go with the flow.
Use your own energy powerfully and efficiently.

Vulture is associated with the sense of smell and aromatherapy is a good tool
to use to connect with this Totem.

The Vulture promises us that no matter how difficult things are at the moment,
rescue and change are imminent.

Soar above the drudgeries of every day life through spirit.
And Vulture/Condor is there to protect you in this journey.

Source: http://www.linsdomain.com/totems/pages/vulture.htm

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More Vulture totem intepretations:

http://www.wildspeak.com/vilturj/totems/wvulture.html

http://westmanpreacher.blogspot.com/2007/09/vulture-as-totem.html

http://www.sayahda.com/cyc5.html

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It freaked me out, because that’s the Universe speaking to me in a big way.  I’ve gotten the vulture totem in the past, but it was usually just one or two of them.  Geez, it makes me wonder what’s about to happen.  The date I’d been getting on “Magic Monday” is rapidly approaching and I’m wondering if this totem is pointing to this day.  It also reminds me of the message I’d gotten earlier this year about “pain, resurrection and then peace,” as well as the recent dream with the camels and the fox.

I’m not thrilled about the need for more pain in my healing journey, but I got another message last night that may have been pointing to that “pain,” and it’s aligned with what I figured this previous message spoke of.  I’ve had this one book for years and have been trying to get myself to read it recently.  It’s about healing one’s eyesight naturally, it’s called “Take Off Your Glasses and See” by Jacob Liberman.  (Note: In no way did the mention of “new vision” in the above Vulture totem interpretation spur me to this book on healing one’s eyesight — in fact, I just noticed that synchronicity in posting it here today.)

Last night I finally picked it up.  I did as I often do with books, before opening, I asked to be shown the most important part in the book for me at this time.  When I opened it, there was an emphasis on the importance of both pages.  Here’s a potent excerpt from those pages, the first thing I read on the left page…

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 …”we spend years resisting exactly what we need in order to cure our ‘nonexistent incurable disorders.’ 

Since we spend many years avoiding those difficult feelings, it can be quite a challenge at first to acknowledge them.  However when we begin to feel them fully, painful, self-defeating emotional patterns actually do begin to shift.  Emotional healing seems to take place as we allow ourselves to feel our deepest pain.  You could say that this process is like allowing a fever to run its course rather than suppressing it with aspirin.”

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It seems apparent to me that this is the pain that was referenced in that earlier message.  I feel like I have scratched the surface of feeling this pain, but there’s so much from my past… It’s overwhelming.  And my anger seems to be what I’m most able to bring up … I don’t think I’ve ever allowed myelf to feel grief and related emotions …  That’s probably because I feel strong when I feel my anger, and like most people, I very much don’t like feeling vulnerable and weak, as those other emotions seem to represent.  Ya’ know, “strong” people just “shake off” those types of things, like an idiot told me in the past, heh  { Update:  In re-reading this, I’d very much like to delete that last statement per the “idiot” thing, but I prefer to be honest, to allow myself to have that honest expression, and to give less of a damn what people think of me for it.  To those who would judge me for being so “imperfect,” bite me, I’m human…oh, and have a nice day, lol ;) }

A little synchronicity with the aspirin.  A guy yesterday during the above-mentioned event came up to me, said he had a headache, and asked me if I had an aspirin…  I had a great day yesterday, but kept seeing the number 5 a lot.  I turned back to see the title of the chapter where I’d opened the eyesight book.  It is Chapter 5, “Seeing Through the Fear”  I had a terrible anxiety attack last night, lasting a few hours, as usual.  As enjoyable as the event was yesterday, I never realize that such things, the number of people, the energy of it all, are overwhelming me… 

More from the two pages…

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“Think of the last time you felt really uncomfortable.  Recall that feeling as vividly as you can.  Re-experience it as completely as possible.  What happened to trigger that feeling? What was your automatic response?”

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Geez, I could think of several of these moments yesterday.  About the only time I don’t feel them is when I’m alone.  When I first arrived at work, a girl that relieves me for breaks was at my desk and the guys were around the desk chatting with her.  I felt threatened.  Why the hell was she at my desk at this time of day? (I do like her and there was a good reason that she was there.)  …  But I didn’t show my insecure feelings, quite the contrary.  I exuded confidence, chimed right in with the conversation, was joking around, and immediately got everyone to laughing.  Even so, that was likely the first “straw” on the camel’s back of my anxiety attack last night.  Then my boss seemed like he was angry with me (of course, I always think that, lol), and I often think this just because he walks passed my desk without speaking (several times per day, he’s busy for gawd’s sake!).  Geez.  And when guys, especially strangers – or just people — get close to me.  And when this one guy from the event yesterday was “hitting” on me, trying to get me to go out with him, very uncomfortable.  I never know what to say when I totally don’t want to go out with someone, a very unnerving situation for me…  Lordy, everything makes me UNCOMFORTABLE.  An intuitive in my past told me that I’m pretty much always in “fight or flight” mode…  I’ve just learned to live with it.  So where do ya’ start with all those uncomfortable situations?  Overwhelming.  I think that’s why I don’t.

What concerns me though is by not doing so, I fuel the likelihood of repeating painful patterns.  More from the pages…

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“Like vision problems, our most uncomfortable feelings are chronic.  They keep coming back until we realize that the problem isn’t outside ourselves, in the other person or the external events.  The outside events simply create a resonance, a self-recognition, in our vibrational field.  …

“Now think back to that painful experience or any other difficult experience with a strong emotional charge.  Have those feelings come up again since then?  How long did it take before you had those feelings again?  Then, no matter what changes you decided to make after the first experience, did you eventually get into another situation that felt similar? 

Usually before you know it, you become involved in another experience with the same feeling.  This cycle can continue indefinitely.  How can we learn to shift out of those blocked places?  Sometimes it seems that the harder we try, the more stuck we feel.  But there is a remedy:  awareness. 

…  Awareness is simply a matter of experiencing every moment of life as fully as possible.  Greater awareness does not happen when we try to pay close attention — that effort actually requires a narrowing of one’s focus.  True awareness is an expansive, effortless process. 

Humans have developed a variety of wonderful tricks to avoid being “in the moment.”  Eastern gurus say that the majority of our mental and physical activities arise from the urge to distract ourselves from our awareness rather than out of any truly purposeful need.  I’ve found that the desire to avoid seeing life fully (and therefore feeling life fully) is also the fundamental origin of vision problems.  Most people become bored, anxious, or uncomfortable when they have to sit quietly for even a few minutes … those disconcerting feelings are why we continually seek distractions, and why the Eastern spiritual traditions place so much emphasis on meditation.”

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Hmmm, this reminds me of a guy I know who can’t sit still for 5 minutes.  I’m sadly so much like that guy, and that being the case, I’ve got a lot of healing to do, lol ;)  This morning I was looking at a “coffee table” book I’m going to give to a friend at work next week.  I kept looking for this one beautiful picture that I like so much.  I couldn’t find it, it was annoying, I fanned through the book several times looking for it to no avail.  Finally, I stopped my wild searching and with a nano-second’s worth of energy, asked to be directed to the pic that I sought.  I closed the book and, as always, I poked a fingernail into the book’s pages randomly.  I opened it to a lovely picture of purple flowers.  I said, “No, I like this picture, but it’s not the one.”  I turned the page (one page) and there it was, the beautiful picture I had been seeking :) 

Hmmm, the answers are so close, we just need to settle down from all our fearing and wild seeking, and just ask, and trust that our healing, the beauty, is just a page away ;)

Peace,
Dove

By Dove, www.TarotwithLove.com  I was just reading this older post on the Frog totem and realized I had forgotten about this great article and site that I wanted to re-visit, “The Six Faces of Healing,” …  The “third face” aligns with the frog totem, and very worthy of re-posting here, and a good reminder for me to get to that re-visiting thing ;)

Peace,
Dove

{Actually I’m just now posting this, it’s been sitting in the draft file for…maybe a few weeks?  I dunno, maybe this is an indicator of my resistance to the re-visiting thing :) … *sigh* It’s a journey.  I love the part elaborating on “why do we cry?” …  }

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The Third Face of Healing:  Cleansing

After anger is released the tears can flow freely. Why do we cry? What is the pain we feel? The pain comes from a realization that we may or may not have been living in accordance with our soul’s truth. We cry for the past, mourning those times when we weren’t true to ourselves, or when others insisted we give up our truth. We cry for the present, grieving for all those attitudes, beliefs, even dis-eases, relationships, and life situations that we are giving up. We mourn the death of an old identity, and in its place, a new life springs forth. We cry because we are tired from hanging on to emotions, beliefs, and dis-ease that would leave us trapped in a life we don’t love.

We cry because we long for those who would love us as we are, not as they would wish us to be. We cry in terror, worrying if we can truly find this love and make our lives work if we walk through our fears, remove the masks, and show the world the true face of our soul. The tears release us from our bondage to the past and create the emptiness inside that is required for soul to find rest in our human hearts.

This mask is used to help us remember that there is beauty even in the pain of our grieving and sadness. Frog is a Native American symbol for cleansing. When you are at a pivotal point in life, clean your closets, check into your beliefs and sort through them, evaluate your relationships and your careers. What is your truth? Cleanse your life of all that is not you. Absolve yourself from guilt. Feel the pains of your sadness and your fears, and then let them go. Let the tears flow, and then let them go.

As the mask shows, the teardrops wash us from the inside out and then provide a fertile ground for new ideas to grow. The “water” falling from the ears tells us that we need to sort through all we have heard and been told about who we are and cleanse our minds of all that is not so. Who told you that you weren’t lovable? Who told you that you weren’t good enough? Who told you that life had to be difficult? Cleanse yourself of the lies that you’ve heard, and create a new truth.

From the tangled undergrowth of our confused thoughts, beauty arises. You feel empty inside, cleansed of all that is not you, and ready to grow into all that is truly you. You begin to bloom. Give yourself time to grieve when you are healing or in transition. This is a natural process of living. Tears are beautiful — melted diamonds that represent the essence of our soul.

Source: http://www.visionsofheaven.com/articles_docs/ARmasks.html

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By Dove, www.TarotwithLove.com   I just synchronously came upon this wonderful article on anger.  I had, only moments before, written similar statements (see my comment under the article). 

I love the article, very empowering information, but I would never reference my anger as, um, “little” anymore than I’d reference fire as our “little friend.”  Both anger and fire are mighty powerful, they can destroy us or save us…  We so very much need to learn to honor, respect, tend to our precious human-ness called “anger.”  Here’s an excerpt from the article.

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“Anger is the most misunderstood and repressed emotions. When you can understand the nature of anger, and are willing to feel it, you can begin to harness a lost power that is key to creating permanent and positive changes in your life. The power of your will, or commonly known as willpower.”

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Peace,
Dove

Update: I had the following in a comment but I like it better here as an “update.” :)

Okay, I’d love to delete the part above where I said I’d “never” reference my anger as “little,” because it seems I have, lol ;) I haven’t read my own articles/blogs in a while, heh :) I was actually taught by a therapist to call them my “little ones” (my emotions) in the process of learning how very real they are. But I dunno, when it comes to my anger in particular, how explosive I have experienced it, it definitely seems inappropriate to call it “little.”

I have to admit I don’t like referencing them in that way, and again, was doing so in previous writings drawing from what I had been taught to call them. But to me, “little” implies insignificant, and I have learned they are very significant. I now prefer calling them something like “my precious ones” :) Very precious — and very powerful. I have seen clearly what can manifest from both the positive and negative expressions of my anger.

Regardless of how we reference it, we should without hesitation embrace our anger, respect it, honor it, endeavor to understand and console it. Because it is a part of us, a very powerful part of us. We can’t just love bits and pieces of ourselves, we must unconditionally love it all, love all that we are. Not to do so, is a sure road to self-destruction.

Peace,
Dove

By Dove, www.TarotwithLove.com  I’m very much appreciating a new blog I’ve recently come upon about indigos and our spiritual path and all — very informative and helpful.  A recent post on there speaks of not allowing others to offend us, and I agree with much of what it’s saying.  Even so, I feel some tend to take such advice and simply push down their anger in an effort to follow it.  That’s a very harmful practice.  We should never push down or deny our anger in an effort to be “saintly” or to “not be offended.” 

No matter what anyone says, anger is NOT an “evil” thing.  It is a human thing, and if it weren’t of benefit to us (at times) then it would not be such a significant part of this human experience.  And given that it is a part of us, we should not dishonor it, dishonor ourselves, by denying HOW WE TRULY FEEL.  That doesn’t mean we should attack others with it, or even necessarily let them know that they have angered us.  Our lives are, we are, ever-changing – and consequently, no strict rules should be applied.  Our freedom and peace and a joyful life depend upon our trusting our own hearts in EACH MOMENT as to what is right for us. 

Obviously there are situations where it isn’t advisable to show our anger, but we should still acknowledge it to ourselves, and express it later in a healthy way.  One of my first posts on here was about this, how a Buddhist friend was enduring colon cancer…and I feel certain this is a result of denying one’s anger for a lot of years, “not being offended” one time too many. 

I think the primary thing to remember though is that if there are others around us who are saying abusive things to us, then we should realize there is something about our own energy that is creating this.  And unless that changes within us, this person (and others) will continue to abuse us in this way.   And if we are living with (or married to) such a person, then that’s an indicator that this energy is potent within us — that is, we are not loving ourselves so much.  And healing this energy WITHIN US is of the highest priority to stop the abuse… 

We can consciously “love” ourselves, and at the same time still have unhealed energy in our subconscious that continues to draw this abusive energy to us.  But until we heal it, allowing the abuse (verbal or whatever) to continue — and pushing down our anger — is not a good thing.  Ignoring such things will not make them go away, and more often than not, doing so simply allows the problem to grow worse. 

Additionally, we are human beings, so no matter how “enlightened” we become, our energy will fluctuate (change is our nature) with higher points of self-love and lower ones.  At the those “lower” times, we will draw a bit of that abusive, “lower” energy (like attracts like). 

If we realize this, then when others are less than loving toward us in those moments, we can be aware of it being a passing thing (because it is simply a reflection of a ”momentary” thing within us — not something deep within that needs seriously healing), then it is much easier to “not be offended” and just let it go.  Even so, even with these little “barbs,” (not on-going abuse) it is still not wise to dishonor our anger.  Anger, like all emotion, will build within if not acknowledged and processed routinely.  Go ahead and allow yourself to be “offended” (angry), but “smile” at the unhealed one…then later go work it out in the gym or write about it at home or do some other anger-releasing ritual (dancing is good too).  Think about that moment of anger, then do the dance of your choice :)  Process it to whatever degree you intuit is needed.  Then you’ll be able to truly let it go, and hug the person the next day :)

Peace,
Dove

Update:  I want to put an excerpt here from the blog I mentioned above (one of my first posts on WordPress), from the emclear article…

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It’s still 1988. I’m searching. I come into contact with a teacher who seems to be presenting Eastern philosophy in a new way. I already know much about Eastern philosophy, so much that I hadn’t read any for years, but all of what I had read was the old school, if I may use that term. The old school never really recognized negative feelings - just be spiritual, it said. If you felt angry, be loving. In other words, suppress your anger. This new teacher had things to say that I had never heard. Maybe I was just never ready to hear before now, but the revolution was beginning within me.

I started having tremendous insights. I realized that a large part of how I saw the world and how I experienced my interactions with others was based on projection. In projection, I would think that someone or something else was responsible for my reaction to them. In other words, I believed that someone or something else was making me angry, lonely, afraid, hateful and so on. What I realized was that these feelings were actually coming from my suppressed emotional subconscious and just attaching to people and circumstances outside myself. Taking it a step further, I could see how I attracted difficult people and circumstances to myself that corresponded to the feelings. Why would I do this, I asked? The answer came that it was in order to bring up the suppressed feelings for clearing.

Source: www.emclear.com

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By Dove, www.TarotwithLove.com  This card, the Tarot’s Moon card, just arrived in my email box … and so incredibly timely.  Tears rolling down my face this morning, feeling very emotional and … well, not so good right now.  I’d just come upon a blog on my blog surfing page, speaking of soulmates and twin souls, twin flames.  Thinking about first connecting with a certain person, and how on point so much of this post is regarding he and I.   I’ve allowed this “relationship” to cause me so much pain, wasted soooo much time on it, and …  And yet I’m getting from this soulmate post that maybe somehow it has taught me good things, strengthened me?  I dunno, maybe.

But the Moon card mode is where I have primarily been through all of it.  Confused…and a lot of emotion, a lot of yanking the heart around, wondering if these feelings are mine or his…  We sensitive ones tend to pick up the emotions of others, and it can be a challenge to distinguish ours from theirs.  I’ve never been able to get clear as to what’s the truth about this connection, about what my real feelings are about it.  Moments of what definitely felt like “love,” but also undeniable hatred.  More often than not, it just seemed like a very unhealthy connection.

I’ve recently discovered how I tend to draw people into my life that give me mixed messages, and it so clearly aligns with my childhood.  Parental figures that seem to love us at times, get us stuff we need, say nice things, maybe tell us they love us…and yet in the next moment are saying and doing harmful things toward us.  I think that contradiction is what really messes with our minds more than the actual abuse…  And we grow and live with that energy of confusion, screwed emotionally (Moon card), and perhaps invariably feeling a love/hate thing in most of our relationships.

One day I was talking on the phone with “soulmate guy,” and I cringed when he said his middle name began with the letter “A.”  Even though things seemed fine between he and I in that moment, I thought, “Oh, shit …”  I just knew in that moment, the name, it was the same as my older brother’s, a brother who had hated me since birth, was jealous of me, terrorized me throughout childhood and even beyond…  Abuse that allowed me to know what it was like to be an abused spouse…I can remember seething with anger in watching, “The Burning Bed.” (A movie about spousal abuse.)  Was this connection about my needing to re-live some of that crap from the past, bring up the hatred still buried within me, from all of that?  Despite having been criminally abused by another family member, I feel the hatred that I felt for my brother has been the most potent, has almost killed me, is the key to all my health issues…it stirs me now, even in this moment.  And “ironically,” I idolized, adored, this brother as a kid, even as he hated me…  More seeds for the love/hate thing.

And yeah, I can see that this soulmate connection had a lot to do with that.  I felt the old hatred coming up when this person was cruel towards me.  Nah, his cruelty was in no way as potent as what I had experienced as a child, but it pushed those old buttons…and to the extent that I considered, well, leaving this world…

I think I held on so tightly to this thing between this guy and I mainly because there was an ocean of metaphysical “signs” and messages as to our, um, spiritual kinship.  I mean, there’s no doubt in my mind that we have this “soulmate” connection, but soulmates aren’t necessarily people we are meant to spend our lives with — we have lots of “soulmates” around us, they come and they go. 

Some of the synchronicities per this connection with this soulmate guy…  When I was living on the West Coast, over 2000 miles from here, the name of the street where I first met him came to me in a song.  A very unusual name for a street, I was stunned when I first saw it on a street sign while I was looking for an apartment here.  About a month before I met him and it continued up to that point, I was drawing the Two of Cups a lot from my Tarot cards.  That’s a strong love card, and/or points to a new, usually romantic, relationship.  About a week before I met him, I had a dream.  I was kissing Bruce Springsteen, heh  That was the dream, I remember feeling amazingly good after awakening from this dream, lovin’ that kiss :)  I thought about how he’s called “the boss.”  I didn’t have a job yet at that point, so I hoped it was symbolic of finding one soon.  Soulmate guy is an Aries (fire sign), which correlates with the Emperor in the Tarot, the Emperor is “the boss.”  This card can often represent an employer (more “boss” stuff:  I met him in a job situation, and he’s the reason I got that job – located on the street per the song).  And if that isn’t enough, shortly after we met, he jokingly (I thought) said he was “the boss.”  (No, he didn’t know about my dream at that point.)  In pulling cards on this relationship, the Tarot often showed him as the Emperor, or the King of Swords (another boss card).  Both cards represent someone who is kind of emotionless — which means, he hides his emotions or keeps them tightly under control.  When I draw the King of Swords on someone, I often ask “What’s under that?” and then I’ll see in the next card more clearly how the person really feels…

This person also has the same main animal totems (Owl, Crow…Hawk) and Life Path number as me (11/2/High Priestess).  He’s very psychic, and we had/have a strong psychic connection…  Once I was feeling a lot of anger towards him (a lot), and we hadn’t spoken in quite a long while, and out of the blue, he emailed me, and spoke of my anger as if he knew I was feeling it right then.  Another time we tried to guess what number the other was thinking of, we both got it right — that amazed me.  He told me almost at the very beginning that he knew our relationship would become a love-hate thing… He told me at a desperate moment in my life that I was going to make it, and I did.   Even so, the way he treated me at that time was inconceivably cruel (”ill-dignified” or reversed King of Swords), especially coming from a lover …

Via my Tarot, I often knew when breakups (many) and other things were about to happen between us.  I invariably know when he’s about to contact me again (even after many months have gone by) — I always start seeing his name, I’ll see it everywhere.  Once it had been about four months, and I’d been getting his name.  One morning I clicked on a blog and it had a sport’s celebrity theme, same first name as this soulmate guy.  Across the top of the page was his first name in giant letters.  It was so large, his name, it kinda stunned me.  I thought, oh-yeah, he’ll be contacting me very soon.  I got an email from him the next morning (after four months of no contact). 

Also the week before I met him, I was standing in line at the grocery store and my eyes were drawn to a caption on a magazine there, it was something “at first sight.”  Because I’d been getting the Two of Cups so much with the Tarot, I felt kind of excited by that, it was another little message, and it further assured me that I was about to meet someone special.

But easily the most potent message was also in that week before our first meeting…  It was one of those magical “tween times” :)  Still daylight but approaching dusk, and it was kinda “dreamy” outside ;)  It seemed from out of nowhere there appeared these two fireflies, right in the center of my upstairs window.  Oh-ma-gawd, it was so beautiful.  It was like they were putting on a show just for me :)  Having their sweet little fiery dance right in the center of my window.  I was mesmerized by it, I so loved it.  I recalled that fireflies are on the Lovers card in my Animal-Wise Tarot.   He  and I were first, um, “together” on the 4th of July … fireworks?  Not so much, lol ;)  But it progressively got a lot more fiery, in more ways than one. 

So ya’ see, a lot of synchronicity with it, so I have to believe there has been some reason for all of this.  And that’s why it has been especially difficult for me to accept that this person isn’t “the one” for me.  At this point, it is abundantly clear that he is not.  And yet I still wonder why there was so much “magic” about it — maybe I just allowed it to be blown into something it wasn’t because of all of that.  There was some joy in it, joy like I’d never known before, and maybe that was why the Universe put such an emphasis on it.  I don’t know.  But I do know that it has been a very unhealthy connection, and it’s clear that’s because both of us need to find that “wholeness” and healing that the soulmate post speaks of before we are ready to truly meet “the one.”  And what I most know is that I deserve so much better than the wicked, abusive energy that I grew up with, and until I completely heal, it’s clear that I’ll keep drawing those with this energy.  If for nothing else, I am grateful for having had this experience so as to come to this realization.

Peace,
Dove

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THE MOON

When we experience such turbulent emotions, it is difficult
to believe that we could ever feel harmony and peace within
ourselves again.

Highly charged feelings cause havoc in our lives, and when
The Moon appears in your readings, you can be sure there are
issues in your life that are causing confusion and mixed
emotions.

When this card appears, it is suggesting you take a step
back and view your situation from a different perspective
and with a calmer logic.

However, The Moon does represent powerful feelings and it
isn’t always easy to gain clarity: we often can’t ‘see the
wood for the trees’.  The path to clarity and understanding
is a challenging one, yet despite the emotional wrenches
you may feel, it is right for you.

For example, if you are in a situation where you need to
let go of a lover or partner for whatever reason, but
emotionally cannot summon up the courage to do so, even
though you know it’s the right thing to do, trust that the
new path you seek is right for you.

Often when a decision is very difficult and causes strong
emotional resistance within us, we allow our weaker nature
to rule. However, in many of these situations it is a brave
heart and clear mind that help us see through the fog of
unruly emotion and step onto our true path.

The Moon not only represents illusion caused by powerful
emotions, but also illusion or trickery created by other
people’s lies or misleading behavior.  Therefore, when The
Moon appears in a reading, it’s a good idea to question
your motives and those of people close to you, and it is
best to refrain from making firm decisions until you know
and feel a sense of certainty about your choices.

The wan light of The Moon does in some way shed light upon
the right path for us, but because we cannot see clearly
in dim light we doubt ourselves and hold back from taking
the steps forward.

The Moon may suggest that your avoidance to take action or
make a tough decision about a certain situation is simply
due to fear of loss. Fear has much to do with The Moon, and
courage is always needed to conquer fear, so take your time
when The Moon appears in your readings and search for your
inner courage. With patience you will find the clarity you
seek.

Source:  www.lotustarot.com

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Update:  The same blog that posted the soulmate post mentioned above just did another post (noticed it right after publishing my post here) that I’m strongly resonating with — an explanation for the tears and the sadness.  Very helpful reading this… 

http://indigolifecenter.wordpress.com/2008/02/24/twelve-signs-of-your-awakening-divinity/

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By Dove, www.TarotwithLove.com  “Hay-aaaay, have you ev-uh tried, reeeally reaching out for the oth-uh siiiide? :)  I may be climbing on rainbows, but baby here goes.   Dreeeeams they’re for those who sleep, liiiiife, it’s for us to keep… “

*soft sigh, and feelin’ all nostalgic* :)

Listenin’ to an old tape I’ve had for about a million years — I’ve loved it since I was 14.  “The Best of Bread”  …  It’s so dreamy ;)  The words so sweet, so bittersweet, to me they seem to be saying more than they’re saying…   

A few more drops in an ocean of synchronicity in my life…  I was just marveling at how this has stuck with me, my love for it, and how the first line of this album asks if we’ve ever really reached out for the “other side” :)  “Rainbows” and “dreams” …  how could this not be something that grabbed and held onto to me, paranormal “dreamer” and Libra that I am :)  

The “Diary” song gets me every time…    I loved when he said “her disconcerting air” …  At 14, I aspired to having such an “air” and rocking a guy’s world with it, heh-heh ;)   But I always cried at the point when he discovered she wasn’t talking about him in her diary, he wasn’t the love she spoke of…

And I get heart butterflies with “If” …  “Then one by one the stars would all go out, then you and I would simply fly away.”  Mmmmm, yummy sweet ;)

Happy Valentine’s Day,
Dove

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“Make it With You”
by Bread

Hey have you ever tried,
Really reaching out for the other side?
I may be climbing on rainbows
But, baby here goes.

Dreams they’re for those who sleep,
Life is for us to keep,
And if youre wondering
What this song is leading to

I want to make it with you
I really think that we can make it girl.

No, you dont know me well,
In evry little thing only time will tell,
If you believe the things that I do.
And well see it through.

Life can be short or long,
Love can be right or wrong,
And if I choose the one
Id like to help me through,

Id like to make it with you
I really think that we can make it girl.

Baby you know that
Dreams theyre for those who sleep,
Life is for us to keep
And if I choose the one
Id like to help me through,

Id like to make it with you
I really think that we can make it girl.
=========================

“Diary”
by Bread

I found her diary underneath a tree.
And started reading about me
The words shes written took me by surpise
Youd never read them in her eyes.
They said that she had found the love she waited for.
Wouldnt you know it, she wouldnt show it.

When she confronted with the writing there,
Simply pretended not to care.
I passed it off as just in keeping with
Her total disconcerting air
And though she tried to hide
The love that she denied,
Wouldnt you know it, she wouldnt show it.

And as I go through my life, I will give to her my wife
All the sweet things that I can find.

I found her diary underneath a tree.
And started reading about me.
The words began stick and tears to flow.
Her meaning now was clear to see.
The love shed waited for was someone else not me
Wouldnt you know it, she wouldnt show it.

And as I go through my life, I will wish for her his wife
All the sweet things that she can find
All the sweet things they can find

========================

“If”
by Bread

If a picture paints a thousand words,
Then why can’t I paint you?
The words will never show the you Ive come to know.
If a face could launch a thousand ships,
Then where am I to go?
Theres no one home but you,
You’re all thats left me too.
And when my love for life is running dry,
You come and pour yourself on me.

If a man could be two places at one time,
I’d be with you.
Tomorrow and today, beside you all the way.
If the world should stop revolving spinning slowly down to die,
I’d spend the end with you.
And when the world was through,
Then one by one the stars would all go out,
Then you and I would simply fly away

==============================

By Dove, www.TarotwithLove.com  MS Paint pic…  Well, this seems to have come from the “darker side” of That Which We Are.  Was feeling a lot of anger this morning, and it was so intense, it concerned me.  I’m not even sure it was all mine… 

Painting this helped me to release the anger.  I first heard “Adam’s Eve,” and then was hearing “I am” a lot during the process.  Adam’s Eve = Adam is Eve.

“Dark side” or not, I see truth in it.  I almost feel like this was that Higher Power within me feeling very pissed, heh ;)  Like it’s saying, “dammit, you’re God, what the hell?” lol ;)  That is, why aren’t you acting like the Magician that you are, why are you allowing others to disrespect you, why aren’t you creating the life you desire!?”  

Well, alrighty then, lol…  I dunno, but I feel better now :)

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“I Am…Adam’s Eve” by Dove, February 2008

======================================

Update:  I feel a need to ramble a bit on this.  I know there are people out there that freak about such things, er, this kinda pic…and maybe my ramblings too, heh ;)

I was thinking about it yesterday, all the BS we have in our brains…that spur reactions like:  “Oh-ma-gawd, look at the wicked black, the red  –  the snake!  All that evil, scary-looking stuff!  The DARK SIDE!!  EEEEEK!”  

LOL ;)  Sorry, but it is funny to me, ’cause I know that reaction is just plain goofy, lol.  The reason we shouldn’t fear anything (Fear not, remember?), is because it’s ALL within us.  Everything.  Everything is One Thing.  So, of course, “Adam is Eve.”  We are “Adam,” we are “Eve” and we are also the snake…and the apple :)  And this is why we should embrace (love) it all…fear not…and judge not.  Because it’s ALL us. 

Oddly enough, the “evil” comes about when we don’t embrace it all, and most potently when we fear/hate it.  When religion teaches that our precious sexuality is “sinful,” it creates a hatred and fear of it in us and from that a twisted (”evil”) version of sex is born (rape, incest, …)  But it is not our beautiful sexuality that is evil, but our hatred/fear and denial of it, which manifests these wicked things.  It’s interesting that the snake can also be a phallic symbol, aka, a penis :)  Now why would ya’ think the same symbol would be for both “God” and a penis :)  Again, our sexuality is a most beautiful thing, sacred, it dances with our spirituality…  It is defiled only by our fear and hatred of it.

 Now you can look at almost anything and see the negative in it, because both “good” and “bad” is in everything.  This pic may have come from my “dark side,” a side we all have :)  … but I endeavor to see the good.  The snake is no different, it has a light and dark side, a light or dark symbolism.  The snake can represent “God” (”good” … our “kundalini”) or “Satan” (”bad”).  I see it as “God” in this pic, the different colors representing our seven chakras. 

I considered the “X” to be my denying that which I am, “God,” the ”Magician” (Tarot reference).  I am Adam and Eve (male and female, left and right-brained, logical and spiritual).  But the “X” is also a rune called “Gebo,” and I recently learned that it can be a symbol of love.  I found the following interpretation for it:

========

Gebo (X) Gifts, both in the sense of sacrifice and of generosity, indicating balance. All matters in relation to exchanges, including contracts, personal relationships and partnerships.

============

Denying our “gift”?  It’s also interesting that this mentions “balance,” and there’s sort of an abstract version of the yin-yang symbol (balance) in the pic.  And that’s the issue.  Balance.  That’s what our world, what we as individuals, are in need of.  A balance between our “Adam” and our “Eve.”  We have long been living in Adam’s mediocre, “logical” world, “cursing Eve” (oppression of, devaluing, and hatred of women, along with our ”Eve” side — emotions, creativity, intuitiveness, non-religious spirituality) all the while.  And, strangely enough, ”Eve” is the most powerful part of us.  We are “Eve” :) 

When Adam stops fearing Eve, we will take back our power.  And that goes back to the original issue here.  My anger, feeling angry because I allow myself to continue to feel as most, powerless.  We must embrace “Eve.”  It’s the only way we will take back our power…our freedom.  We are not powerless — we never have been.  Think “Dorothy” in the Wizard of Oz  …  It’s all been about the journey, and discovering that we had “it” all along :)

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By Dove, www.TarotwithLove.com  I’m learning so much from these pics that I’ve been creating with MS Paint.  Like this one I did yesterday…  I had done one the other day, but I wasn’t that thrilled with it, and I’m beginning to realize that’s often the case when I’m coming from the left side of my brain :)  It might be ”okay,” but it’s rarely anything that feels fuzzy-good in my heart ;)  Often I’ll start out with the left-brain stuff, and I start to get bored with it, don’t like it, and then I kinda “let go” …  and it’s interesting how I then create something that I truly like :) 

So I took the pic I’d done and thought I’d fix it, I was still in left-brain mode though.  But I eventually got into the “right-brain” play :) … and ultimately covered the entire pic with a new one. 

Another very cool thing, I had earlier done a 3-card spread with my Tarot, asking about the day, and the future showed the Two of Cups.  That’s a wonderful little love card.  There was a troublesome issue yesterday (regarding a co-worker, but not directly related to me), but all my interactions went very well (Two of Cups).  And then later in the day, a guy came in that makes my heart go pitter-pat, lol  Usually the physical thing does nothing for me unless I know the guy’s heart is akin to mine, but for some reason that doesn’t apply with this guy.  I’ve had very few words with him (don’t know him at all — and I know he’s not someone I’d date…not “my type”), but that curly hair, sexy bod, and that kinda shy (oh-so-cute) face, gets me every time, lol ;)  Again, that’s very unusual for me.  So the heart going “pitter-pat” is yet another Two of Cups (physical attraction). 

But here’s what I really find fascinating.  I’m essentially doing this in public (at my receptionist’s desk — yes, my boss is fine with this — I’m so lucky, heh).  I had already created this Valentine-like pic before Cute-Guy came in — actually I was just finishing it up, was even considering boldly asking him if he’d like to look at it :)  But the fascinating thing…  I noticed today and other days when I’ve been doing one of these pics, that I tend to, well, attract guys during this time, LOL!  Seriously, it’s wild.  I think I may have found a “love potion,” haha! ;) …  Passion, doing stuff ya’ love :)  That energy is potent, others are drawn to it.

So here she is…  “She-Rose”

==========================

“She-Rose” by Dove, February 2008

====================================

Heh, talk about “like attracts like”… my life is so magical sometimes, okay, most of the time ;) …  I was just about to publish this, was checking the categories and got a call (again, I’m a receptionist with caller ID) from a guy whose last name just happens to be “Love” :)  And even before I could finish this paragraph, I got a call from a company with the name “Heartland.”  Man, I am so in the Valentine-y energy right now ;)

Peace,
Dove

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By Dove, www.TarotwithLove.com  I just came upon this great post, with excellent advice that a lot of people need, and need to be reminded of.  It wasn’t that long ago that I realized I was addicted to adrenaline.  I think it’s spurred when we are ignoring our emotions, not taking time to honor them. 

The name “Jack” often comes to me when I’m needing to sit and chat with my anger :)  That is, I’ll begin to see that name everywhere.  Last night I saw it in a comment by my blog friend CV, but sometimes I let the first one go by.  But then just now I saw “Jack” again, twice, in the above-mentioned post.  An urgent call from Jack, and note how the article is right on point with it.  She mentions “Jack in the box” and there’s a person commenting with the ID name “Jack.”  Geez, why do I wince when I see it….because I know I’m going to have to endure discomfort in recognizing and processing my anger.

To add to this synchronicity, I drew a Tarot spread earlier today that showed me in a “Tower” mode.  That’s a Tarot card that, for me, often represents a crucial build-up of energy.  Anger.  I’ve also discovered that it’s often about being angry with myself.  And more often than not, I don’t even feel consciously angry.  That’s how efficient I’ve been in pushing it down and ignoring it over the years.  But this Tower will “explode” if I don’t heed “Jack’s” call soon.   That explosion for me is invariably an anxiety attack that can last from two to four hours, sometimes longer.  I have had these “anxiety attacks” every few days for the bulk of my adult life, and it seems they’re almost impossible to avoid after I’ve been out in the public, around a lot of people.  I tend to take on the energy of others without realizing it…  

Like most people (and even when we know better), I don’t like dealing with my so-called “negative” emotions.  They’re not fun, it doesn’t feel good, and I feel we’ve been brainwashed into having an aversion to them (”don’t cry,” “calm down!,” “there’s no reason to be angry,” “you need to straighten up” …)  And no doubt, we all like to keep going in that ”happy” mode, even when it’s a mask for not-so-happy, from denying that which we are, from dishonoring our powerful and precious emotions.

I wanted to add, before I go chat with Jack :)  (and do some physical exercise, ’cause “he” likes that) that I tend to draw people who also have this adrenaline addiction thing (like attracts like).  The guys that I’ve had ongoing relationships with are invariably work-aholics.  They are subconsciously drawn to doing work that puts a lot of stress on their bodies and minds… and jobs that keep them from really living life, from feeling the pain of life…  They prefer a life that is “dead” of emotion (including the sweet kind), and consequently their lives are a living “death.”  Emotions are what make us feel ALIVE.  

My last guy was frickin’ insane with a need to keep busy, he couldn’t sit still for five minutes.  Seriously.  I’d never met anyone like him before, he was the poster child for Adrenaline Addiction, lol ;)  He actually took pride in his mad busy-ness, thinking himself above others because of it, thinking his driving himself this way was admirable so as to be what he deemed a “success.” 

But the human body (and mind) can take only so much.  I had lived with a guy much older than him, also a work-aholic, also worked a job that put excessive stress on his body and mind…and he eventually “hit a wall” and had to get therapy because of it.  And I watched as he began to have his melt down…  All that “stuff” we’re running from continues to build as we ignore it.  Year after year, it builds.  Some type of “explosion” is unavoidable after a certain point.  And that can range from harming another to harming oneself to getting a serious illness…

For my “like energy,” it’s not about being a success in the material world so much as a drive to be a success in my personal life — that is, a need to have my immediate world “just right.”  I’m continually organizing, cleaning, making notes, planning, working to keep “my world” highly efficient…  That’s my obsession.  To a point that’s a good thing, as is working hard in the “real world,” but when it comes above one’s physical health, mental health, our spiriutal growth, being kind and charitable to others. taking time for others, giving love and attention to those we care about,  then that’s a problem.  

As I’ve written this post, I’ve become increasingly short of breath, a struggle to breathe right now…  I s’pose this is a sign of my fear with the whole idea of having to embrace, deal with, FEEL, these emotions, these aspects of myself that are deemed so “negative” by this society…

I hope to soon heal myself of this “adrenaline addiction,” what I see as rooted in a desire to escape the pain of life by keeping the heart and mind racing.  Too busy to notice the pain.  I feel getting cozy with one’s emotions (readily embracing all of them, “good” and “bad”), and facing and clearing old traumas, facing the fear of all of that, and adhering to the advice in the above article, is a potent step toward healing.

Peace,
Dove

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