.:|:. Dove Love’s .:. Points and Passions .:|:.

By Dove, www.TarotwithLove.com  This card, the Tarot’s Moon card, just arrived in my email box … and so incredibly timely.  Tears rolling down my face this morning, feeling very emotional and … well, not so good right now.  I’d just come upon a blog on my blog surfing page, speaking of soulmates and twin souls, twin flames.  Thinking about first connecting with a certain person, and how on point so much of this post is regarding he and I.   I’ve allowed this “relationship” to cause me so much pain, wasted soooo much time on it, and …  And yet I’m getting from this soulmate post that maybe somehow it has taught me good things, strengthened me?  I dunno, maybe.

But the Moon card mode is where I have primarily been through all of it.  Confused…and a lot of emotion, a lot of yanking the heart around, wondering if these feelings are mine or his…  We sensitive ones tend to pick up the emotions of others, and it can be a challenge to distinguish ours from theirs.  I’ve never been able to get clear as to what’s the truth about this connection, about what my real feelings are about it.  Moments of what definitely felt like “love,” but also undeniable hatred.  More often than not, it just seemed like a very unhealthy connection.

I’ve recently discovered how I tend to draw people into my life that give me mixed messages, and it so clearly aligns with my childhood.  Parental figures that seem to love us at times, get us stuff we need, say nice things, maybe tell us they love us…and yet in the next moment are saying and doing harmful things toward us.  I think that contradiction is what really messes with our minds more than the actual abuse…  And we grow and live with that energy of confusion, screwed emotionally (Moon card), and perhaps invariably feeling a love/hate thing in most of our relationships.

One day I was talking on the phone with “soulmate guy,” and I cringed when he said his middle name began with the letter “A.”  Even though things seemed fine between he and I in that moment, I thought, “Oh, shit …”  I just knew in that moment, the name, it was the same as my older brother’s, a brother who had hated me since birth, was jealous of me, terrorized me throughout childhood and even beyond…  Abuse that allowed me to know what it was like to be an abused spouse…I can remember seething with anger in watching, “The Burning Bed.” (A movie about spousal abuse.)  Was this connection about my needing to re-live some of that crap from the past, bring up the hatred still buried within me, from all of that?  Despite having been criminally abused by another family member, I feel the hatred that I felt for my brother has been the most potent, has almost killed me, is the key to all my health issues…it stirs me now, even in this moment.  And “ironically,” I idolized, adored, this brother as a kid, even as he hated me…  More seeds for the love/hate thing.

And yeah, I can see that this soulmate connection had a lot to do with that.  I felt the old hatred coming up when this person was cruel towards me.  Nah, his cruelty was in no way as potent as what I had experienced as a child, but it pushed those old buttons…and to the extent that I considered, well, leaving this world…

I think I held on so tightly to this thing between this guy and I mainly because there was an ocean of metaphysical “signs” and messages as to our, um, spiritual kinship.  I mean, there’s no doubt in my mind that we have this “soulmate” connection, but soulmates aren’t necessarily people we are meant to spend our lives with — we have lots of “soulmates” around us, they come and they go. 

Some of the synchronicities per this connection with this soulmate guy…  When I was living on the West Coast, over 2000 miles from here, the name of the street where I first met him came to me in a song.  A very unusual name for a street, I was stunned when I first saw it on a street sign while I was looking for an apartment here.  About a month before I met him and it continued up to that point, I was drawing the Two of Cups a lot from my Tarot cards.  That’s a strong love card, and/or points to a new, usually romantic, relationship.  About a week before I met him, I had a dream.  I was kissing Bruce Springsteen, heh  That was the dream, I remember feeling amazingly good after awakening from this dream, lovin’ that kiss :)  I thought about how he’s called “the boss.”  I didn’t have a job yet at that point, so I hoped it was symbolic of finding one soon.  Soulmate guy is an Aries (fire sign), which correlates with the Emperor in the Tarot, the Emperor is “the boss.”  This card can often represent an employer (more “boss” stuff:  I met him in a job situation, and he’s the reason I got that job – located on the street per the song).  And if that isn’t enough, shortly after we met, he jokingly (I thought) said he was “the boss.”  (No, he didn’t know about my dream at that point.)  In pulling cards on this relationship, the Tarot often showed him as the Emperor, or the King of Swords (another boss card).  Both cards represent someone who is kind of emotionless — which means, he hides his emotions or keeps them tightly under control.  When I draw the King of Swords on someone, I often ask “What’s under that?” and then I’ll see in the next card more clearly how the person really feels…

This person also has the same main animal totems (Owl, Crow…Hawk) and Life Path number as me (11/2/High Priestess).  He’s very psychic, and we had/have a strong psychic connection…  Once I was feeling a lot of anger towards him (a lot), and we hadn’t spoken in quite a long while, and out of the blue, he emailed me, and spoke of my anger as if he knew I was feeling it right then.  Another time we tried to guess what number the other was thinking of, we both got it right — that amazed me.  He told me almost at the very beginning that he knew our relationship would become a love-hate thing… He told me at a desperate moment in my life that I was going to make it, and I did.   Even so, the way he treated me at that time was inconceivably cruel (”ill-dignified” or reversed King of Swords), especially coming from a lover …

Via my Tarot, I often knew when breakups (many) and other things were about to happen between us.  I invariably know when he’s about to contact me again (even after many months have gone by) — I always start seeing his name, I’ll see it everywhere.  Once it had been about four months, and I’d been getting his name.  One morning I clicked on a blog and it had a sport’s celebrity theme, same first name as this soulmate guy.  Across the top of the page was his first name in giant letters.  It was so large, his name, it kinda stunned me.  I thought, oh-yeah, he’ll be contacting me very soon.  I got an email from him the next morning (after four months of no contact). 

Also the week before I met him, I was standing in line at the grocery store and my eyes were drawn to a caption on a magazine there, it was something “at first sight.”  Because I’d been getting the Two of Cups so much with the Tarot, I felt kind of excited by that, it was another little message, and it further assured me that I was about to meet someone special.

But easily the most potent message was also in that week before our first meeting…  It was one of those magical “tween times” :)  Still daylight but approaching dusk, and it was kinda “dreamy” outside ;)  It seemed from out of nowhere there appeared these two fireflies, right in the center of my upstairs window.  Oh-ma-gawd, it was so beautiful.  It was like they were putting on a show just for me :)  Having their sweet little fiery dance right in the center of my window.  I was mesmerized by it, I so loved it.  I recalled that fireflies are on the Lovers card in my Animal-Wise Tarot.   He  and I were first, um, “together” on the 4th of July … fireworks?  Not so much, lol ;)  But it progressively got a lot more fiery, in more ways than one. 

So ya’ see, a lot of synchronicity with it, so I have to believe there has been some reason for all of this.  And that’s why it has been especially difficult for me to accept that this person isn’t “the one” for me.  At this point, it is abundantly clear that he is not.  And yet I still wonder why there was so much “magic” about it — maybe I just allowed it to be blown into something it wasn’t because of all of that.  There was some joy in it, joy like I’d never known before, and maybe that was why the Universe put such an emphasis on it.  I don’t know.  But I do know that it has been a very unhealthy connection, and it’s clear that’s because both of us need to find that “wholeness” and healing that the soulmate post speaks of before we are ready to truly meet “the one.”  And what I most know is that I deserve so much better than the wicked, abusive energy that I grew up with, and until I completely heal, it’s clear that I’ll keep drawing those with this energy.  If for nothing else, I am grateful for having had this experience so as to come to this realization.

Peace,
Dove

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THE MOON

When we experience such turbulent emotions, it is difficult
to believe that we could ever feel harmony and peace within
ourselves again.

Highly charged feelings cause havoc in our lives, and when
The Moon appears in your readings, you can be sure there are
issues in your life that are causing confusion and mixed
emotions.

When this card appears, it is suggesting you take a step
back and view your situation from a different perspective
and with a calmer logic.

However, The Moon does represent powerful feelings and it
isn’t always easy to gain clarity: we often can’t ‘see the
wood for the trees’.  The path to clarity and understanding
is a challenging one, yet despite the emotional wrenches
you may feel, it is right for you.

For example, if you are in a situation where you need to
let go of a lover or partner for whatever reason, but
emotionally cannot summon up the courage to do so, even
though you know it’s the right thing to do, trust that the
new path you seek is right for you.

Often when a decision is very difficult and causes strong
emotional resistance within us, we allow our weaker nature
to rule. However, in many of these situations it is a brave
heart and clear mind that help us see through the fog of
unruly emotion and step onto our true path.

The Moon not only represents illusion caused by powerful
emotions, but also illusion or trickery created by other
people’s lies or misleading behavior.  Therefore, when The
Moon appears in a reading, it’s a good idea to question
your motives and those of people close to you, and it is
best to refrain from making firm decisions until you know
and feel a sense of certainty about your choices.

The wan light of The Moon does in some way shed light upon
the right path for us, but because we cannot see clearly
in dim light we doubt ourselves and hold back from taking
the steps forward.

The Moon may suggest that your avoidance to take action or
make a tough decision about a certain situation is simply
due to fear of loss. Fear has much to do with The Moon, and
courage is always needed to conquer fear, so take your time
when The Moon appears in your readings and search for your
inner courage. With patience you will find the clarity you
seek.

Source:  www.lotustarot.com

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Update:  The same blog that posted the soulmate post mentioned above just did another post (noticed it right after publishing my post here) that I’m strongly resonating with — an explanation for the tears and the sadness.  Very helpful reading this… 

http://indigolifecenter.wordpress.com/2008/02/24/twelve-signs-of-your-awakening-divinity/

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